50 Days to 50 - Day 5

 Sep 15 - Day 5 to 50

To say that my relationship with my biological mom had been complicated is an understatement.  We were always at odds with one another.  I could say she resented me from the moment she knew I’d been conceived and was doing things to have me aborted.  My stubbornness may have sprung from that moment I fought to live within her.

And yet, she is still my mother and owe her my life.  Luzviminda Jardeleza Linco was the eldest daughter of Pacing and Concing who grew up smart and had a beautiful singing voice.  She was always up on stage getting academic awards and performing, singing songs, and was the pride and joy of her family.  She was loud and bossed her younger siblings around.  She bullied her youngest brother, teasing him for having a cleft palate.  But she could also be protective and fierce if she wanted to be.

Everyone called her Nening Minda and when she was in the final year of high school, she fell in love…hard.  She met high school baddie, Pacifico Logrono Casas who was nicknamed Phantom or Tom.  Yes, she should have picked on that nickname and ran away but then bad boy was like a magnet and she, like the moth to a flame, got drawn and she got pregnant at the tender age of 17.  She had two children, Noel and Allan when she realized her husband, my father, would not amount to anything much but just be the sperm donor of her kids.  He was always late for work and would show up drunk or nursing a hangover, and sleep on duty.  He’d spend nights gambling and drinking with his friends not even bothering to go home.  She’d even bring him food to where he’s gambling, stringing along her two young sons, a toddler and a baby.  She regretted falling in love with Tom and was at the point of asking for legal separation (divorce is not allowed in Catholic Philippines), when I was conceived.  By this time, Tom suspected her for having lovers and denied I was even his.  She was trying to get rid of me when her sister, my Mommy Connie, asked her to stop what she was doing and just let me live.  She promised to take me as her own when I’d be born, and if I were a girl.  I wonder what would have happened if I had been born a boy.

These stories were never kept from me so I know who my real mother was and who may adopted mom was.  I knew who my father was, whom I’d never met until I was about 3 and again when my maternal grandfather died when I was about 9 or 10.  So I know who Mamang  (Mama Minda) and Papang (my father Tom) were, and knew their stories, which probably influenced how I saw them in my child’s mind. 

There had always been this small part in me that was sad that they were not together and we didn’t live as one family but that is more a wishful thinking than a reality.  Mamang was big on life’s realities and took time to often remind me not to commit the same mistake she did.  She came and went in my life while I was growing up.  Like an aunt who visited and brought stories and gifts and warnings.  We’d be fine for like 24 hours but beyond that, cracks will start to show, arguments and disagreements would start. 

In her own way, I know she loved me as her child.  But she was also conflicted with her own desires to be free from any responsibilities against her need to prove she’s a good mother.  Being a romantic, she was always chasing after her great love.  First, my father then a few others who also turned out to be major let-downs for her.  In the end, she became a more loving and caring grandmother to my eldest brother’s children, whom she helped raise.  She was even more mother to my adopted brother, actually my cousin Alvin, who called her Mama Mokmok – sharing their own songs and daily rituals with one another. 

My regret was she died before I got married and had my own daughter.  She would have loved Amber who took some of her traits – her posture, being comedic and singing well.  They would have been best buds and would have probably ganged up to go against me.  I can only share her memories with my daughter now.

I celebrate the headstrong woman that brought me to this world and thank her for instilling in me to learn from her mistakes, it sure made me strive to become a better mother.